RIP

I feel bad... a woman I really loved, Eleanor Zysk, passed away earlier this week.  It' awful that every time I know someone who dies, I realize my own mortality and that of the ones I love. I decided that I need to spend more time with m grandmother.  I think I'm going to plan on seeing her every week at least one night.  I see her on weekends, but during the week its harder.  She was so exited that I came over to visit. it made me feel good.

I have been spending time thinking about my future... what do I want?  I know, how new and unlike me to wonder.  In this case though, it has to do with my future with mens.  Sometimes I think I only want to find one to make everyone happy.  I definitely get  lonely, but I think that comes with Depression... but a lot of the time I'm content with my friends and my free time. Lately I've been so lame; crocheting all my free time away.  I know, I said it. LAME. hah.  Of course I want the fantasy, the fairy tale... the stereotypical love story.  Unfortunately, the experiences of my parents has broken my spirits of love and marriage (goes together like a horse and carriage this, I tell your.....*hums*). I know that love exists... I've seen it. I just can't imagine it. I can't consive it in my life.  I barely feel like I'm in a family that loves me.  What makes me think a man, who doesn't have to love me, will love me.