Saturday, May 9, 2009


I'm not one to open up to people about my deepest darkest thoughts, but I just had an epiphany...
Some thing that, if I don't share, might eat me up inside.

My mom made some comment about my needing to get married so she didn't have to worry about me or some BS like that and my first thought was, "Yea right."

I don't know if I ever put two and two together before.... but...

If you grew up in an environment where a couple in a marriage were nothing but miserable, what would you think about love and marriage? You would think, "yea right," no? I want to think love exists, I want to think that its possible for me to find it, but then I come home and I see the most miserable couple together. Thirty years. I bet part of it was happy. I would say that last 20 were rough, and the last 10 were unbearable. Especially for me.

When I decided to go back to school, I knew I couldn't live in this environment and do well, so I moved out (what I hoped was forever) and I did well, I dated, I was happy. Then I had a falling out with my roommate and my mom lost her job and the money I was spending on rent, I decided would go better to make sure my family doesn't end up on the streets. And here I am a year later. Miserable.

I know love exists. I look at some of my friends and I am so amazed and so happy for them. T&A have an amazing relationship. I love them so much and so happy for their upcoming marriage, but I can't imagine being so happy. Sometimes it makes me almost sad that I don't, rather can't, see that in my future. I don't trust it. I can't trust that I would be so happy with someone forever. I worry about turning into my parents. I worry that as soon as the vows are said, I will be verbally abused and screamed at.

Sure there'd be differences, I'd marry for love, first off. But even with the differences, the thought of marrying someone almost makes me sick with nerves, my stomach is turning as I write. Sure, I bet you're thinking, who says you have to marry? And live in sin? I might as well write my family off right now, because they wouldn't talk to me again. And as crazy as they make me, ALL THE TIME, I love them and need them in my life somehow. The thing is, I can't even think of having a long relationship with someone. I could see myself being like Rianna. Miserable but coming back for more.

How depressing is that? I'm such an, otherwise, happy, light hearted person, but when it comes to this, I'm scared to death.

I guess next time someone asks me why I'm still single, I should tell them the truth: I'm emotionally messed up and broken.


  1. Being messed up and broken doesn't preclude anyone from falling in love. In fact, is there really anyone that isn't messed up and broken in some way?

    Being broken and messed up is how we become puzzle pieces. Finding other broken and messed up people that fit together with us is how we put the puzzle together.

  2. I had some thoughts on this...I hope it doesn't sound trite, or easier said than done...TRY TRY to look at your parents marraige as a gift. It is a learning tool for you. An invaluable insight into what you do NOT want.

    Visualize your ideal man, visualize finding him, visualize NEVER putting up with verabl abuse, even from someone you are married to. You have control over your love destiny, you really do.

    In summation, I wish for you...POSITIVE THINKING on this subject, not negative self fulfilling prophecies.

    YOU REALLY deserve the kindest, sweetest man who will love and cherish and admire your GREAT beauty, inner and outer, your creativity, your humor, your intelligence, your passion for life, your diversity.