Thursday, May 20, 2010

The dark cloud looms...

Disclaimer: If you in anyway know my grandmother, you are not to let her know of her diagnosis, my mother will kill me.


On April 30th I got a call at work from my mother.  My grandmother has cancer, lymphoma.  My immediate reaction was, "Is this some sort of sick joke?" and immediately remembered my mother 1) wouldn't joke about grandma and 2) isn't a sick person. It was true. Grandma has cancer. Here I am trying to raise money for a run for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and my grandmother gets diagnosed with lymphoma.


It was a blow to the chest. I spent the next 4-6 days at the hospital in all my free time and slept at my parents' house in Fairfield.  I went home to my apartment for a few days and went back to my parents on Friday.  I was back home for one night (last night) and now I'm not sure what to do.


On Tuesday my grandmother had a birthday, a big one. 90. We threw her a surprise party on Sunday and it was awesome. She was so shocked and surprised and in such a great mood and had a blast and we were all happy. The next day she had a swollen lip (I should be a doctor, my first thought – infection- meanwhile my grandmother was thinking of going to see her dentist.)  I told my mom to call her oncologist on Tuesday, which she did, and Grandma was re-admitted into the hospital because of this infection. 


I went to see her yesterday at lunch and she seemed okay, just looked tired.  She said her lip was feeling much better; she was happy to be feeling better but annoyed that just 2 days before she felt perfect and now she's back in the hospital.  She's also losing more hair.  When she had originally heard Chemo it took her a day but she said, "Ani I think I'm going to lose my hair."  I tried to reassure her because that's the last thing I want to her to think about ("I just have two hairs and I'm going to lose them all now.") but she knew.  You see, Grandma doesn't know she has cancer.  Since it is a blood cancer, my mother told her they sound some cancerous cells in her blood.  If she knew she had cancer, she'd just give up… at first I didn't agree with lying to her but now I think its okay.  I see how my grandmother is changing her mind of things and she finds things out and I think this is best.  Though I do hate lying to her…


What I hate more is that I can't shake this dark cloud over my head.  I just called and left a message with my doctor.  I need my anti-depressant increased.  I can live like this, half sad all the time, but my grandma needs me.  When I'm like this I don't want to do anything. I lose interest in everything. I went home last night, made oatmeal, had a yogurt then polished off an 8oz bag of gummi bears while watching TV – not normal. Not only that, but this sadness isn't helping me on my voyage to be clean of my addiction.


Right now, I'm having a rough time at life.  I feel like I can't live right, I'm not living right. I'm sad and I know people care, but it feels like they don't.  I wish my brother understood depression; "Just snap out of it" is a frustration thing to hear from someone you love and who should know better.


All I can do now is pray, ask for prayers (not just for grandma but for strength for all of us), and keep trucking.


  1. Ani! I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time right now. I know there's nothing I can say to make it better. You can call me if you need to talk. :)

  2. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma's diagnosis. You and your family are my thoughts!

  3. Hey Ani,
    When my Aunt got diagnosed terminally ill with Ovarian Cancer in the Fall, I was very down. I kept taking out my anger on just about everyone and had terrible eating patterns.I isolated myself in my room every time I came home. I think I was more upset I couldn't see her because she was in LA and the people who decided to come back into her life were taking advantage of her just to see if they could get a share of her estate. The worst was hearing about this from my Aunt's own words.

    The moment I was about to plan a visit to see her during Christmas recess, well, she went home and I had to pull myself together. On top of that, two other people I know passed away. I lost inspiration to paint for a while but picked up after the new year.

    It's ok to have your space in these hard times. I understand what you are going through since it is painful to go through this. There really isn't much I can say to make this pain disappear except keep up with the running and have good times with your family and friends.

  4. Cancer sucks, but you know that i disagree with lying to a person about what is going on in HER OWN BODY. Oh well. Your mom must be going through a lot right now, too. I'll be praying for all y'all in church tomorrow.